Inconceivable but not impossible.....

I woke up on the morning of June 25th from a vivid dream.  You see, I often dream, but most of the time can't tell you 30 seconds after waking up what exactly I had been dreaming of.  But this morning was different.  I dreamt that I was pregnant, but knew that it was not possible for me to conceive anymore.  My husband was sitting down in a chair with his back to me.  I walked up behind him, wrapped my arms around him and whispered in his ear, "I'm pregnant."  He turned and looked at me with a big smile and said, "WOW, that is great!"  I kept saying to him, "How, how, HOW?!"  That is when I woke up.  Curtis was kissing me good-bye before he left for work.  I normally don't even open my eyes and half-consciously say, "Have a good day.  Love you!"  But this time I opened my eyes and sat up.  I told him that I dreamt I was pregnant.  I shared how vivid it was and that I kept asking how?  Curtis listened, smiled, kissed me again and left for work.  I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up and made myself breakfast.  I sat down at the computer to read the blogs that I follow.  While reading I was hit in the face with pictures and a video of an incredibly sweet young boy.  There was a common thread with a few of the blogs that I follow; the same boy was looking back at me each time I clicked on a new blog.  I started to cry and ask tell the Lord, "What can I DO?  I don't have any money! I already have three kids that I can barely keep up with.  I can pray."  I don't take praying lightly, I KNOW the power in prayer.  So when I told the Lord that I would pray, I meant it, but deep down in my stomach I knew that wasn't all that God wanted for me to do.

Rewind...
This wasn't the first time I had a deep down aching for an orphan.  A few months ago I contacted Reece's Rainbow about "Jack".  My heart was immediately taken after reading about him on a blog.  My husband and I had discussed adoption when we were first married, but it had gone off our radar after having three children of our own.  The thought of even wanting to pursue "Jack" surprised me.  I didn't know where that thought came from.  It hit hard and fast.  I prayed and cried and told God that I would be open to what ever He had for Curtis and I.  Later that evening when Curtis came home from work I shared about "Jack".  I told him that I was confused and not sure why I was even thinking about adoption.  We prayed that night and both committed our hearts and heads to be open to anything!  The next day I started asking questions about "Jack" and after some research, we found that we did not qualify for his region.  My husband has type 1 diabetes and that was an automatic disqualification.  After accepting that we couldn't adopt, we committed to praying and supporting those who were pursuing adoption.

Even knowing that adoption was a long shot for us, I emailed RR to see where "Porter" was located.  I received the email back stating where he was and the requirements for his region.  Even though his region was more relaxed on health conditions, I still needed to have it verified.  I needed to get a hold of Curtis' doctor to have him code his condition and have it checked to see if we would qualify.  The doctor responded with the information that evening and I forwarded it on to RR.  The very next day I had an email saying that his health would NOT be a problem.  WHOLLY SMOKES BATMAN!  I didn't know if I should feel excited or scared. What was God doing?

A little background on me....
I am a reluctant obedient child.  Ever heard the phrase, "God can open doors".  Well, I actually prefer the "closed doors".  I reluctantly walk up, knock on the door, and them sheepishly wait to see if God opens it.  If He doesn't, I feel a sense of relief.  I say to myself, "Well I didn't run away from the door, I knocked and waited.  But THANK YOU JESUS that it wasn't for me!"  Ughh...then I beat myself up.  Why don't I boldly stand and knock on those doors waiting for God with confidence that He has my best interest in mind. Why oh why do I do this?!  God so graciously spoke and said "it doesn't matter how you knock, I just need you to knock.

When Curtis and I started discussing the idea of pursuing "Porter" our biggest question was "how"? Just like my dream, I kept repeating to God, "how, how, HOW? How can we do this? I have my hands full with my new business, three kids to keep up with, and we don't even have one penny to be able to put towards this!" God reminded me that all of that didn't matter. He just needed us to say "yes" and He would take care of the rest.

Waiting on you Lord.......